Illness as Opportunity
Michael Goodwin
In some North American first nation cultures it was recorded that in order to qualify to become a shaman you had to first have cured yourself of epilepsy. When I first read of this tradition all of a sudden my own epilepsy became no longer a sickness but an opportunity. This was the first step on a long road that has allowed me to go beyond my illness.
This past summer I dropped into the Bloorview Clinic in search of a receptive ear for my story. Dr. McIntyre Burnham was this and more as he suggested I write down some of my experiences. He noted how I had used my epilepsy for a spiritual journey. The discussion then turned to the question of whether others could do likewise. My position was that sickness, and epilepsy in particular, represents the perfect opportunity since the spiritual path above all else is a path of healing.
Of all the personal health disorders epilepsy is perhaps one of the most dysfunctional, therefore there should be no lack of motivation. This in fact was another kick-start moment. I reached the point where I'd had enough of playing the victim to circumstance and was looking for a change. There are many approaches to the origin of illness; seen in the context of reincarnation it might be argued the circumstance was of my own making. Whatever the cause, this was my chance to assume responsibility for this lifetime at least.
It is with good reason that epilepsy is so often associated with shamanism and the 'wounded healer'. In my own meditation I discovered that it is the right side of the brain that registers pain. The natural tendency would be to avoid these trigger centres. The consequent overload of focus on the left side could easily result in an unbalanced state that leads to a seizure. But it is also this added concentration on the receptive left side of the brain that can be turned to advantage in the healing process.
The most significant feature of any spiritual/healing journey would have to include the multitude of inner voices awaiting the opportunity to jump into the fray to assist. This is the stuff of folklore as it relates to the healing element of the psyche. These guiding voices are as personal as each individual and as diverse as the cultural influences. The most universal vehicle for the transmission of inner messages, however, is the dream. It is the left side of the brain that receives dream messages and I soon discovered that the challenge was to then reinforce these lessons upon the right side. More than mere consolidation each step became also a test, to prove my own dedication to the task that lay ahead.
In my own experience, when the seizures stopped, I found I still wasn't done. There followed a series of descending sleeping disorders from wet dreams to biting my tongue to nose bleeds. This would suggest an established pattern of which a seizure represents the outer limit. Perceived as parallel paths the distance traveled on the left pleasure side would correlate to the amount of pain stockpiled in the right side.
"It's the middle way, the one that lies halfway between pleasure and pain, that I will find the path that leads to the final stage."
- Siddartha Gautama
The most important feature of this approach of a compensation behavior pattern is that it allows us to separate the epileptic from his/her seizures. The epileptic is simply someone who knows how to get to the end of the rope. Conversely, the way back should also be embedded somewhere within the epileptic's grasp, thus reinforcing the significance of this most personal of all journeys.
My own journey was not so much "spiritual" as it was a "cleansing path" as described by John Matthews in his Celtic Shaman. He also refers to the beginning of the path in terms of a dark moment or illness. Much like the Jungian approach of bringing the unconscious to the surface in search of the true self, my path quickly evolved in to a confrontation with and removal of blockages.
One of the most famous examples of path consciousness and overcoming hurdles along the way is John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress in which he talks about "persisting through the grace of God." Another version of the same message might involve persisting through sheer persistence. This is the quality that gods or spiritual guides want to see - this personal commitment.
The spiritual/religious dimension is invoked with a total dedication to a path consciousness where the task at hand becomes greater than any definition of self. Since so much of our self definition is based upon those wounds incurred in the early stages of life, from the actual birth process to puberty (and as ancestral wounds absorbed through our parents), it is the cleansing and letting go of these wounds that can eventually lead to a higher, selfless state where such things as ego and attachment to pleasure and pain no longer carry any relevance.
In Carl Jung's view, each individual begins with an inborn propensity toward wholeness and the realization of the complete self. This prospective of personal growth and unfolding can be applied to epilepsy in particular since the disorder involves the total being. Instead of seeking an actual cure for seizures, the individual moves beyond the stage where a seizure carries any significance.
An example of this approach can be seen in the art of "forgiveness", which is not so much a developed attribute as it is a stage of growth where any notion of "blame" has been rendered irrelevant.
Make no mistake; the road to recovery is a long solitary endeavor. This can also be part of the attraction. Life is difficult. Lived with purpose and awareness the difficulty can be turned into a challenge. In true Kafka fashion the individual with an illness need not travel to the four corners of the globe in search of adventure or meaning to life. The mountain is right there in their own backyard.
